Pure Magic

My kids really do make everything better. :) I have been so depressed since everything happened, but my children really keep me from drowning. They drive me crazy, but they also make me laugh so much. The things they say, do, and their gorgeous faces amaze and surprise me everyday. When I feel low, they know it and go out of their way to make me laugh. It should be the other way around, and it is, but I love that they care enough to try and make me feel better. I usually am really good at faking it when I feel down, but sometimes they see through it. But lately, it doesn't feel like I'm faking it as much. So even though I'm their mom and take care of them, my babies really do take care of me too. I'm so grateful and I love them so much. As parents, we don't always realize how much are children help us just by loving us. Take a minute and really think about a bad day you've had, and then think about your interactions with your kids. If you think about it, you'll realize they even the smallest thing they did probably made you feel at least a little better. I'll tell you what, kids really are magic.  ♥

A New Year, A New Life

So it's no secret that 2011 was a pretty sucky year for me. I mean, I didn't know it until October, but then boy did it knock me in the head. I had actually thought it was the best year of my life, and that I was happier than I had ever been. Then I found out it was all a lie, and that really, my family was being poisoned and destroyed from the inside out by the person I loved and trusted above everything (except our children, of course). But I quickly removed the poisonous viper from our nest, so to speak, and things are slowly healing. The holidays were actually pretty amazing, and we were so unbelievably blessed. I am so grateful for my family and friends, and even strangers who reached out to help me and my children through a very difficult time in our lives. Because of them, we were given a Christmas miracle, and were happy and safe. Things are finally getting better, and each day is better than the last. Now I am doing my best to approach 2012 with a positive outlook. I will still have my sad/mad days, my heart is still broken, but my will is not. I will bounce back, my heart will heal, and my children will have an amazing life, even if I have to do it all alone. It's scary and lonely, but it's also incredibly exhilarating to know that my kids are great, and it's all because of me. :D
2012 is our year, and nothing is gonna stop us from being happy, healthy, and blessed. 
Happy New Year everyone!

One Step Closer

Things seem like they are finally getting better. I'm sleeping again, so that's good. I'm also taking a whole slew of medications my therapist prescribed, so that may have something to do with it...but maybe not. I was just having such a hard time dealing with what happened. I don't know if it was the shock or horror of it all, but I was/am so traumatized by it, that for the first month and a half after "the incident" I just couldn't deal with it. Couldn't sleep, wasn't eating, cried ALL the time, and every little thing was a reminder of him. Now, it feels like things are getting better, but I still have my moments. The slightest thing will set off a crying jag, I look at my kids and waves of guilt and self-loathing, and just this piercing sadness hits me. I feel like the last 12 years of my life was all a lie. He literally took 12 years of love and memories and just ripped them away from me. I can never get them back, I can never look back and say I remember when we were happy, because it was never real. Not for him. It was all a lie. And now those memories are just tainted. Every time I remember him wrestling with our boys, hugging our daughter, I feel sick. Literally sick to my stomach. But he's gone now. And I pray to God, the police find him, and he is sent to jail for the rest of his miserable life. Until then, I am left to pick up the pieces of our family, and I think I'm doing a damn good job. I am lucky enough to work at a great company that gave me plenty of time off to deal with all of this. Not great enough to keep paying me, but at least I know I have a job when I go back. Money is tight, practically nonexistent, but I am figuring that out too. My kids seem really happy, more carefree, more playful, just more. And when they are around, I don't have to pretend to be happy, I just am. Even when I'm sad, even when my heart feels broken, my love for them makes me happy. So as far as I'm concerned, things are getting better. It's not perfect, it's barely good, but it's one step closer to healed, so I'll take it. :)

Is Snarkiness Hereditary?

This has been such a busy week, and my kids have made it a hilarious one. They have been demonstrating such snarkiness lately that is hilarious and also a bit disturbing. Hilarious, because I myself am known for my snark (in a loving way...sometimes...with family and friends...sometimes). Disturbing because they are so young, and it can veer from funny to rude. Not so good. Well, I'll deal with it as it happens. Here's some stories.

Snark Week- Episode 1-

Bought the kids ice cream cones the other day, and my youngest son told me he was full. He asked me what he should do with it, and my oldest goes, "Just wait til you get home then put it in the fridge. Wait, not the fridge, the freezer. Don't put it in the freezer!" My youngest rolls his eyes and says in his most superior tone, "Duh! You don't have to tell me that. Who would be stupid enough to put ice cream in the 'fridgerator'."

 I burst out laughing, which probably wasn't the best reaction because when I pulled myself together enough to tell him we don't use the word stupid, he just shrugged...hmm. 

Snark Week-Episode 2-

Enjoying yet another Power Ranger marathon with the kids. I left the room to get a drink, and could hear the kids whispering (they really suck at whispering. Their whispers are like my normal talk, plus hissing. It's kinda sad, actually.) 

Youngest: Man, I'm tired of this Power Rangers.

Daughter: So tell Mommy you want to watch a different season.

Oldest: Yeah right, like Mommy will let us. I think she likes this more than we do.

Youngest: No way! I love Power Rangers.

Daughter: Plus Mommy is a grown up. Old people don't like Power Rangers a lot.

Oldest: I don't know. Mommy REALLY likes Tommy. So I think we're stuck with Mighty Morphin for now.

Umm...whatever. I don't like Power Rangers more than they do. I just prefer that season to the others...and Tommy is totally cute. And I'm not old. And wow. My kids suck.

Snark Week- Episode 3-

We're going to Walmart, and I send the kids to get dressed. I throw on some sweats and a big t-shirt, and pull my hair up in a messy bun on top of my head. I mean, I'd slept like 2 hrs the night before and couldn't drum up the give a damn to fix myself up. I did put on some lipstick, but that's it. They kids come out, and all look like homeless people. Their clothes are dirty and ill-fitting, and they still have bedhead. It's like they dug in the bottom of the hamper for the grossest things they could put on. Which is in fact what they did. I found the pile of clothes on the floor next to the hamper. I sent them back to change into clean, cute clothes. 

They come back out a few minutes later, a little disgruntled. My daughter keeps staring at me, and finally, feeling defensive,
Me: What?

Daughter: Are you going to get dressed?

Me: I am dressed. 

D: But you're wearing that.

Oldest: And you didn't brush your hair.

Youngest: How come you can go out in your PJs but we can't?

Me: I'm not in my PJs, and I did brush my hair.

D: Did you finish?

Me: Yes, I finished!

D: Oh. 

O: I guess you're ready then. 

Me: (stomp out of room)

I was a bit offended and disgruntled myself after this interaction. But then I realized that's how they must have felt when I made them change and told them they looked like homeless people...kinda rude, I know. And now it's just freaking hilarious.

They Can't Take Santa

I love my children. They are absolutely unbreakable and strong in spirit and it is SO inspiring. Today my 8 and 9 yr old found out from the other kids in school (and a teacher!) that Santa Claus isn't real. Totally heartbreaking, because I was determined to let them ride that train for a very long time. But with confirmation from a teacher, they weren't buying anything I was trying to sell them. My youngest had fallen asleep already, so luckily his dreams were still intact. So finally, we had the talk.  After they were kind of quiet, and quite frankly, looked a bit downtrodden. And I couldn't blame them. I was so mad for them, and so heartbroken for them. And boy did I want to bitch slap some of their classmates. I settled for calling them all manner of vile, totally inappropriate names in my head...and on the phone to my sister...and on my Facebook...but anyways! So, I'm looking at these little defeated faces, my mind racing to come up with something to tell them that will make them feel better. And then, my son looks up at me, determination all over his face, and says "I'll always believe in Santa Claus in my heart. It doesn't matter what they say, because they don't have the spirit of Christmas in their hearts like we do." My daughter pipes in "Yeah. Santa is the spirit of Christmas, and if we lose him, Christmas won't be the same. So I still believe in Santa." "Yeah. They can't take Santa away from us...but you can still buy us presents if you want, Mommy." My son grinned, and looked at his sister, the joy of renewed faith shining out of both of them. I looked at them, never more proud in my life, and said , "Hell yeah." Not the most eloquent or appropriate, but damned if I wasn't speechless. Again, can I just say, my kids are great. ♥

Rinse and Repeat

Last night around 1am my daughter comes crawling into bed with me in tears, because her head hurt. I checked, and sure enough she has a high fever. While I get up to get some fever reducer and a cold cloth, she hightails it to the bathroom, where she proceeds to throw up. Everywhere. Everywhere, that is, except the toilet. Awesome! Then she lays down on the floor, crying, right beside her vomit. More awesome! I come into the bathroom to find that hot mess, and also the vomit everywhere(haha). I pick her up, wash her face, help her brush her teeth, change her clothes, and put her to bed, in my bed. Then I go clean up all the fun stuff she left for me in the bathroom. So since my body has decided sleep is no fun in the last month or so, I was already wide awake, but now I am wide awake and worried about my daughter. So I decide to become productive. I go into the playroom and attack it. I gather everything I could find that belonged to my ex and put it in garbage bags. I moved a ton of stuff around, and next thing I know, I'm stuck. I did something to my back, and I'm freaking stuck, hanging over an open bag full of reminders of He Who Shall Not Be Named. I shuffle, bent over, to the bathroom, grab some Motrin, and fall into bed. What the hell, dude? Really? Not only is my daughter sick, but I hurt my back? Because I don't have enough to deal with? I had like 30 things scheduled to be taken care of, now all canceled. In their place, sleep. I slept all damn day, with my daughter curled up beside me. I got up to make her soup at some point, which she promptly threw up (made it to the bucket by the bed. Score!). Back to sleep. Got up to pick boys up from school, helped with homework, made dinner, ate none of it, and took care of bath time and bedtime. Aaaand my daughter still in my bed, still achy, still unable to eat a thing. Looks like tonight and tomorrow will be a repeat. Fun times. :p

After Thanksgiving Sale

I am totally hyped to say that my Thanksgiving was awesome. I spent it with the people I love, it was quiet and peaceful, and the food was amazing. Way to go, Mom, by the way! I skipped Black Friday because besides being broke beyond belief, I wanted to just lay around with my babies. And that is exactly what we did. My children enjoyed a 5 hour Power Rangers marathon, again, which I ain't gonna lie, I did too. We played board games, ate Thanksgiving leftovers, and spent the whole day laughing and hanging out. It was amazing. Ever since the ex became the ex, my relationship with my kids has changed. It makes me sad, but my kids have really blossomed with him gone. They laugh more, they are more silly and carefree, and just generally happier. It makes me sad because I couldn't see they were stifling themselves to adjust to their father's strict, frightening behavior. But it makes me happy because it's over now, and they obviously feel safe with me. I might not have gotten in on the sales at the stores, but I realized I got a great deal at home anyway. With "He Who Shall Not Be Named" gone, we have 80% less drama, 100% less fear, and 200% more happiness, and that's a deal I can live with. ;)